My Friend the Conspiracy Gatekeeper
A friend from college who works for a small publishing company recently received a book proposal “about how Hurricane Katrina was a conspiracy, a man-made weather event caused by the CIA’s weather controlling software, which they’ve been perfecting since the Reagan years, and the whole thing was planned by the Bush administration for political gain.” Needless to say, she turned it down– and the following exchange ensued:
Email 1: Publisher to Author
Dear Mr. S___,
Thank you for your interest in [Publisher].
[Publisher] receives many more submissions than we are able to accept, and so we must regretfully decline your manuscript. We are able to consider only very few unsolicited manuscripts, and unfortunately, your MS does not meet our current publishing needs.
Best wishes finding a place for your work.
Kind Regards,
[Publisher’s Assistant]
Email 2: Author Replies
Dear [Publisher’s Assistant],
While I appreciate your rapid email form letter concerning my recent book proposal to Interlink on Katrina and New Olreans, I would greatly appreciate the return of my submission material, which I prepared for your company’s consideration at great expense and difficulty, given my displaced circumstances caused by Katrina and its aftermath.
I had enclosed a stamped addressed envelope for this purpose, and the return of this material is quite important to me. I hope you will honor this basic tradition of your trade.
Many thanks
R___ S____
Email 3
Dear Mr. S___,
Unfortunately, the envelope we received was addressed, but not stamped, which is why I sent my reply to you via email. The letter enclosed has since been recycled, as is our policy when an SASE is not supplied (it is also technically policy not to respond at all without an SASE, but since you helpfully supplied an email address, I was able to contact you that way). Our condolences on your situation and best of luck finding a place for your work.
Kind regards,
[Publisher’s Assistant]
Email 4
[Publisher’s Assistant],
Oh, now I understand how fortunate I was to hear from you at all. Lucky me, and lucky America, with you as one of the gatekeepers preventing uncorfortable [sic] information from reaching the public. Two trips to New Orleans have confirmed everything I wrote to you. Have a nice life in the new world order, and best wishes that you and yours don’t get recycled in some future “event” down the line.
Shame on you. No need for a reply.
R____ S____
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Now, aren’t you as enraged by my friend’s dismissive response as I was? Wait– you’re not enraged by it?
You horrible unpatriotic audience– by now everyone knows the American way of treating authors who write crank conspiracies about climate issues is to put them on the stand as expert witnesses to the Senate!

